Latest News: Nothing New!

I have received an email from our agent, citing directly the Commissioner of the Department of Probation and Child Care Services in Colombo.
She confirms that the program is fully open again. At the same time, she outlines that the waiting list is pretty swollen by now. She has asked our agency to not send any new applications.
This confirms the latest rumors...
It also confirms that we will wait for a really long time before a child is proposed to us!
I guess that's really good news for families who have been waiting for longer than us and are close to the top of the waiting list!

I consider this information to be of a sure source, I have seen the signature from Ms. Perera at the bottom of the email.

On another note, I miss this blog! I wish there was more hope for families waiting to adopt from Sri lanka.... I hope everyone is doing good, and coping as they can...

Losing Hope

I know, I've been neglecting this blog lately.
The latest news is very confusing. Our Canadian agency assures us that all orphanages will soon be able to refer children internationally. At the same time, the French Government web page states that no new applications are accepted and that healthy children are not available from Sri Lanka anymore.

The program has been still since December 2011, that's over a year.
Sure, we get updates that give us hope every now and then. But in reality, nothing is moving.

As I have hinted to before, we are pursuing other options, now. We are leaving our file in Sri Lanka and still hope to adopt from there one day, but we're not counting on it.
When we first started this process, we spoke with an mom from BC who had adopted from Sri Lanka. She advised us to not leave all our eggs in the same basket. She had put in a second application and succesfully adopted a first child from a different country before ever getting a referral from Sri Lanka.
Well, S., it took us over a year to understand and accept the value of your advice.

And since our focus has changed a bit, I find it harder to maintain this blog...

I will keep updating it, but I may not post as often for a while. I hope to eventually pick up the pace again, if our Sri Lanka adoption ever happens, or if the adoption of another child gives me valuable material.

Some News From Sri Lanka

Well, this is what we have all been expecting for over a year!

We got an email from our agent and, from what I understand, the new rules are out for charity homes to place children internationally! This means that these homes could start referring children again soon. And it means a lot of hope for the families that still have a child in one of those orphanages, waiting for placement!

We do not know what the new rules are exactly and how they will affect number of referrals. As soon as I find out, I’ll post something on my blog.

I believe we should not get our hopes up too much. There is a good chance that children who are already matched will finally get placed with their families. But for waiting families, it’s hard to tell how much slower the process will be with the new procedures. And I don’t know how many new families have joined the list in the last year, so I’m still counting several years for Pablo and I...

A Summary

I know a lot of readers are keeping an eye on this blog in hope that good news will come up here. Unfortunately, I have nothing new for you.

I keep getting emails from hopeful families asking if I have heard anything new. So I thought I would summarize what I know about the situation for international waiting families on the Sri Lanka list. The information below is what I have gathered from our agent in Canada and from other families all over the world.

The program was officially closed from November 2011 to May 2012. When it reopened in May 2012, only government run homes were allowed to place children in foreign countries. Private charity homes could only place children within Sri Lanka. As far as I know, this is still true today.

In 2012, there was 1 placement from Sri Lanka to Canada. The referral had been accepted before the program closed in 2011, and the child was in a government run home. As far as I know, there have been no referrals in Canada since 2011.

I have heard of one European family who got a new referral in 2012. We know for sure that this family was at the top of the international waiting list when the program was closed. As far as I know, this was the only international referral in 2012.

I know of one family who was able to put in their application in November 2012 and made it on the waiting list. At least until November 2012, new applications were still accepted in Sri Lanka. There are, however, rumours that they could stop taking new applications to allow for the waiting list to shrink down a bit.

I know that some European agencies (including the one who placed a child in 2012) are warning their customers about increased waiting times. Some have suggested that their customers apply to a different country. I have heard rumours of 5 to 6 years wait. This is only a rumour, but it makes sense with only the government run homes placing children internationally and a full year without placements.

I’m sorry that I don’t have better news for you. I’ll keep you posted if anything else comes up.

In the meantime, let's all try to keep in mind that these difficult measures were put in place to protect the children – our future children. It’s sometimes difficult to take a step back and look at things in a broader way, but adoption is all about the kids’ best interest. It sure is a lesson in patience for us!

Why Do We Want Children?

Have you ever stopped to think about the motivations behind your desire to have children?

At first, it might have been just to follow a tradition, because that's the way things go...
But why do we work so hard to have children when it proves difficult?

I have thought about this a lot, lately. What if this doesn't work? Could we be happy without children? Would we spend our life regretting what could have been? What would be missing in my life, if I didn't have kids?
I believe this last question is of supreme importance.

We probably all have different reasons to want children. Maybe you absolutely need the activity and excitement in your life. Maybe you're worried of the loneliness as years go by. Maybe you can't bear to disappoint a partner or deny grand-parenthood to your parents.

For me, it's the need to dedicate myself to something more important than me.
Sure, a life without kids would mean a lot more money, travels, freedom. But even the most exciting life seems a bit tasteless to me if it's all about myself.
With this in mind, I believe I could lead a happy life without children. It's the first time that I'm even able to bare this thought. I would have to find a greater cause to serve. Maybe I would dedicate myself to charity or something like that. I'm not ready to accept this yet, I would have to grieve the family I have imagined. But I think I could do it if it proved necessary.

Coming to this conclusion, very new to me, has made me feel a bit relieved. We are not done with the heartbreak. But I know at some point, whatever fate decides, I will be fulfilled again. This state of waiting is temporary. And that gives me some strength to keep going.

It Could be Worse!

Gina, over at One in Five Million, has written this post which came at a perfect time for me. I needed to be reminded that things are really not that bad...
So I've tried to give this some thoughts and put things in perspective.

Sure, this family building journey is taking far more time than I ever imagined I could survive like this. But did you know that, in some cultures, men who are not able to conceive with their first wife are allowed (sometimes encouraged) to take a second wife? I am so grateful that Pablo is sharing this journey with me!

Sure, I feel somewhat left behind while all my friends and relatives are building their families. But some women survive multiple miscarriages, failed adoption, even still birth. I can only imagine the pain of welcoming another baby in your circle when yours is missing...

Sure, my life plans are being pushed around. I really did not imagine myself still in this exact same place, a few years ago. Some of my life projects may end up falling off the shelf as the years go by. But the status quo could be much worse. I have a home I love, in the sweetest small town in the whole world; I have a good, challenging job; and I'm married to my best friend.

Sure, the program closure and very slow reopening feels a bit like salt in an open wound. But we are so lucky that we have access to programs like this. Single parents, gay couples, people with certain medical conditions or a more complicated past have a much harder time finding a country they can adopt from.

Lately, the hopelessness has blurred my vision a bit. I need to remember these things and snap out of my pity party!

Pablo's Names Again!

Pffffff.....
I sure hope this one doesn't come back to haunt us... After having to explain why Pablo doesn't always use his two last names to our provincial government, we just got the same question from our Ontario agency.
Our agent was satisfied with the explanation, but I'm worried it will become an issue once our file is in the hands of Sri Lankan officials, or a judge...

On a more positive note, our agent also said that she is reviewing our file in order to send it downtown for provincial seal and consulate authentication tomorrow! If things go quick, our dossier should be on its way back to the Alberta government on Friday. If not, it'll be early next week.
Things are moving along and I LOVE IT!!!

Finally!

I was at work when I got the email.

My office is all open concept: cubicles where you can’t talk on the phone to your husband without the whole floor knowing what you’re having for supper. So running across the floor and yelling hysterically was not an option... All I did was sit there, shaking from excitement, in silence.

When I could master my voice again, I called Pablo: go mail our Dossier NOW!!!! (Good thing my coworkers don’t know French, I still haven’t told I’m adopting at work...)

Think I’m overreacting?  You got it all wrong: I think I’m setting an example in self control here!

You have to remember that we first heard the program was closing in early December, 2011. Since then, all we’ve heard were rumours, and not always the most encouraging... Also remember that our dossier, itself the product of 7 months of hard work, a lot of worry and $4500, has been sitting in our kitchen, all sealed up and ready to go, since January of this year. Add to this that our Home Study expires in January 2013 and, on top of all, that it’s our child we’re talking about here, and you get an idea of why I am so excited!

You got it right: the program is open again! According to our agent, only the government run homes are allowed to place children in foreign countries for now. Any private orphanage still has to wait for the new procedures to come out.

I called our agent to ask what this meant. She thinks the children may be a bit older when they become available (we’re talking 9 months and up rather than a whole lot of 3-4 months old). The other thing is birthmothers usually don’t stay at government run homes with their babies to care for them until they are placed, as is often the case in charity homes. This means that parents picking up children from public homes have less chances of meeting their child’s birthmom.

Our agent doesn’t know much more than this at the moment. It’s hard to say how this is going to affect us. Our timeline is now a complete unknown... The program may be completely reopened by the time we get a referral, so we may still adopt from a private orphanage. Who knows?

I’ll worry about all of this later... For now, I feel like celebrating!!!

The Perfect Plan

If you’re new to adoption, you are probably making the same mistake we made... Let me be the bearer of bad news, if that can help straighten expectations!

When we decided to adopt, in July 2011, we researched different countries, spoke with lots of agencies, read blogs and websites and asked all kinds of questions. When we were told that a referral from Sri Lanka usually took 1.5 to 2 years, we calculated that we would have our child around July 2013.

That was our first mistake.

The timeline they give you is from the moment your dossier is received in your country to the Call. It takes time to go through the Parents Preparation, do the Home Study, gather all the documents for your Dossier and get it all authenticated! You should probably count 6 to 9 months just for that.

But there’s something else agencies won’t tell you: it never goes as planned!

Wherever you’re adopting from, whatever your situation, you should expect at least one of the following to occur during your journey:

-          Program closing, either temporarily or permanently

-          Program slowing down

-          Birthparents “change of heart”

-          Red tape and paperwork issues (from lost documents to absurd misunderstandings)

-          Changes in procedure (which may force you to re-do part of the work)

-          Agency bankruptcy

-          Medical or other worries which may force you to refuse a child

-          Natural or human catastrophe, delaying travel or suspending adoptions

-          A pregnancy, illness or change of situation on your side of the equation

-          Other perfectly unforeseen situations which will have you roll your eyes to the sky and ask “What the ^%#%@&?!?!”

I’m sorry to tell you that, but I yet have to meet one adoptive family who ended up exactly where they had planned, within their timeline and budget...

Some situations are easier to take than others. Some of us will have to re-plan their whole adoption, while others will just wait longer than expected. Some will lose sleep for a few months, others will go through the full grieving process.

I know, I’m not much fun today... But I think expecting the unexpected can help protect you in all sorts of ways. And believe me, it’s not much more fun finding out about this months into the process! On the brighter side, when it happens to you, just remember this post: you’re not alone, other families have made it through this and adopted successfully!

The Honest Agent

Did you ever stop and think about how vulnerable expecting adoptive parents are?
They are impatiently waiting for something that's very important to them. That something is tied up to a great emotional load. They have tremendous amounts of money, time and energy invested in this. Add to this that the success of their project depends completely on others (for approvals, match, legalization and so on), and that, for the most part, they have a limited knowledge of how adoption really works, and you can understand why the waiting game is so terribly difficult!
It's a scary thing to think about... Imagine Adoption could have happened to any of us.
In this world, honesty and integrity are pretty valuable...

I phoned our agency in Ontario today, to check if they had any new information. As expected, they hadn't heard anything.
The program is still on hold until further notice...
I won't tell you I'm enjoying this part of our journey very much. But something good is coming out of it: our trust in our agency has grown so much!
We are not registered with them yet, so no fees have been paid. Our agent could very well have talked us into registering with them right away to minimize delays when (if) the program reopens. Instead, she asked that we do not send anything their way until they know for sure that the program is back up. She won't commit to us until she has a better chance of delivering. This means that we still have our money with us and, with it, the freedom to switch countries and agencies, should this situation not resolve by itself.
Our agent has manged this with great honesty and integrity so far, and that's reassuring.

Waiting for the call...

Well... Here we are, waiting for the call. Not the actual Call, just the call to finally send our Dossier to Ontario!
We're waiting to get permission to wait...

Our agent said that the ban will be lifted once the 2012 quotas have been released and a new procedure for international placement is available to Sri Lankan agencies. She thinks it's a matter of a couple of months, but who knows?

We're already a month later than we had estimated. I hear almost all adoptions have setbacks like this one. We just have to keep hoping it'll be quick and efficient!

How to Waste Two Months for Nothing

There is an expression in French - To Cut a Hair in Four...
That's along the length of the hair, of course... It means to spend tremendous time and energy on tiny little details that are perfectly useless.

Well I think our government is trying to cut a hair in four! We got a call from our agency. Apparently, our government doesn't know what to do with our Home Study since Pablo's name is not exactly the same on all documents. I'm not talking John vs Pablo!
You know how, in Canada and the US, we have middle names? These second names appear on the most official documents (birth certificates and such), but most people never use it and have only one first name on bank statements, passports and driver's licenses.
Well in Ecuador, where Pablo is from, there is a similar concept for last names. Every child receives the last name of the father and that of the mother, without a hyphen. Most people just use their dad's last name and most documents only show one last name. But the birth certificate and other government issued documents have 2 last names. Actually, Pablo has 4 names (including first and middle) on his birth certificate and passport, and only 2 on his driver's license.

For some reason, it's OK for me to omit my middle name for not for Pablo to go by only one last name!
Our agent said she would talk to her government contact and let us know if we had to do anything about this. She said we may have to re-sign our Home Study.

I don't know if that'll be necessary, but if we have to re-sign the whole thing, I'm estimating a 2 months time loss. What a silly reason to delay getting our child!

Any News?

I have been keeping an eye on the news stories from Sri Lanka, but haven't seen anything new with regards to the Mother Teresa convent arrest.

So I want to offer this post as an opportunity to share our information. We have quite a few silent readers from around the world. I'm assuming some are waiting adoptive parents. Please leave a comment to this post to share with other waiting parents any information your agency has given you.
Even in a little while, when this post starts getting a bit older, I would love to know when one of you first hears of a post-arrest child match from Sri Lanka!

After all, we're all in the same boat!

Hail to the Hague Convention!

As you can imagine, we called both our agencies today.
I'm glad our Home Study agency is separate from our matching agency, it gives us access to knowledgeable professionals who are unbiased, as they have no particular interest in seeing us adopt from Sri Lanka.
We were both very worried about the risk of adopting a child from illegal traffic without knowing. I'm not saying that the child trafficking allegations are true, but it's not completely impossible... And I don't want to spend my life wondering if our child has been abducted or bought from their birth family!
Our agent in Alberta has assured us that the adoptive family would almost certainly be aware of the situation, if the child was trafficked. She says they would have to be involved in the crime. Also, Canadian immigration and adoption laws are very tight. If our Ontario agency is licensed and we obtain the legal paperwork to adopt, it's that every little detail along the way, including the child's situation, has been closely monitored by Canadian authorities. I believe this also applies to a lot of western countries. It was a huge relief to know that we would not unknowingly be involved in such horribly unethical actions!
Our matching agent, the one in Ontario, did not sound too worried for the future of the program. She said adoptions may slow down for a little while, but she trusts it will go back to normal. We'll have to wait and see...

The Facts About the Adoption Ban

Talk about a bump on the road!
There are rumors circulating...

Here are the available facts:
The superior nun of a catholic convent South of Colombo has been arrested last Friday. The Mother Teresa convent in Moratuwa is suspected of having sold children for money by the National Child Protection Authority of Sri Lanka. The sister has since been released, but there is a ban on foreign adoptions in this particular convent. The sisters, backed up by the catholic church, deny all involvement in child trafficking.
Sri Lanka is a member of the Hague convention and has strict adoption laws.
There is a BBC article here.

So far, the impact this will have on international adoptions from other convents and orphanages is unknown. We do not know what the consequences on this particular convent will be. We will be sure to call our agent in Ontario on Monday!

I have no idea wether these accusations are true or not. I sure hope this will be investigated fairly and thoroughly. Pablo and I really want this Cinnamon Baby and we can't wait to meet him/her. But NEVER in the world would we want to adopt a child who has been bought from his family!

I'll keep you posted as we find out more. In the meantime, my thoughts are with those who have a child waiting for them in this convent.