I know it's not socially accepted to not be all cheery and happy on New Year's Eve. I know every single one of us is expected to smile so wide our cheeks hurt when we distribute happy and hopeful wishes to those we love.
But Hey! It's my party and I cry if I want to!
So if you're going to be shocked to read something depressing on New Year's Eve, have a happy new year and skip the rest of this post.
In all honesty, I don't feel like celebrating much today... I'm usually the first to wear Christmas lights earrings and to write long emails to reminisce all the sweet moments of the old year. But this year, the holidays are bitter-sweet.
I've spent 2011 in a job I love. Pablo and I have traveled a lot this year. We spent the very first minute of the year hugging my sister and brother-in-law with the Sydney Harbour fireworks in the background. We got married and decided on a beautiful way to have a child. We got an adorable new niece. I spent my 30th birthday being spoiled big time by my friends and family. For all that, I am grateful. Yet, I have a hard time seeing 2011 as an overall positive year. I have spent most of the year navigating from Hope to Shattered Hope, or trying to fill empty hours, days, waiting for time to pass.
And I dread the year to come. 2012 is going to be another 12 months of waiting, with a fun little surgery in spring, just to make it spicier. It's also going to be another childless Christmas and another bitter-sweet New Year's Eve.
I'm going to try very hard to have a good New Year's Eve party (we're having a friend over tonight).
I'm also going to remind myself the cool stuff that this new year has in store. A trip back to Australia, a new goddaughter, 2 very much anticipated visits from friends in out little western heaven, another year with the man of my life.
To all of you, I wish a healthy, happy 2012, filled with love and good surprises. For ourselves, I wish a lot of courage and resilience.
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