How to Fake Patience - Tip #7

This tip is one that is really close to my heart. It is one that I find very helpful when my mood isn't great and I start feeling sorry for myself:

How to Fake Patience - Tip #7: Lend a Hand!

Last fall, I thought a lot about why it hurt so much to be childless. And I found that I needed my life to have a meaning. Something bigger than my own entertainment.
That's when I decided I needed to volunteer my time for a cause that I found important.

I would have liked to volunteer to support patients at the local hospital or to help out children in my community. But with work, my availability didn't fit with what those organizations needed. So I found a program with Alberta Health Services that supports families who have lost a baby to miscarriage or still birth. As part of the services this wonderful program offers to parents, they dress the babies before presenting them to the parents. Some are born so tiny that even preemie clothing does not fit. So they have volunteers who hand sew little bunting bags and hand knit little blankets and tiny hats. They also put together a memorabilia box with pictures and keepsakes.

I started knitting for them late last year. It's perfect because I can do it at my own pace! To be honest, I didn't knit everything in the picture. There is a small group of amazing women who knit at work, and I asked if they wanted to help this program. They were all so generous with their time and talent.

And when I feel sorry for myself because of the wait, doing something to support people who are in such a rough place makes me feel a little bit more connected to others who suffer.

So if the wait is hard on you, start looking around. I'm sure there are ways you could lend a hand. And you may find that you'll get more out of it than you expected!

How to Fake Patience - Tip #6

Adoption is stressful. It's scary, and painful. And it's a very personal life challenge.
We all cope in a different way.

Sometimes, we may tell ourselves how we want to react, but we can't always make it work.

If you are like me, you sometimes feel guilty for not being the stoic, graceful person you would like to be. If that's the case, well this tip is for you...

How to Fake Patience - Tip #6: Praise yourself!

Whenever you beat yourself up over your reactions and coping mechanisms, try to name at least one thing that makes you proud.

Feeling guilty about your jalousy over your girlfriend's third pregnancy since you started your journey? That's fine. But take a minute to pat yourself on the back for being able to maintain this friendship in such painful conditions!

Beating yourself up over that fight you had with your partner over delay in filling out a form for the adoption? So normal! But you certainly deserve some praise for making your relationship work through this horrendous stress!

If you need to, say these things out loud, or keep a list on the fridge. After all, you are amazing! A less amazing person would not have made it this far without breaking a few relationships, losing their job after a few public breakdowns or being accused of murdering their social worker*!


* Just to be clear, we love our social worker...

How to Fake Patience - Tip #5

Don't know what to do with yourself as you wait for your child?
This is How to Fake Patience - Tip #5:
Take up crochet! Or knitting, or sewing, or woodworking. You get the idea...

Get yourself a book, a class or an online video explanation and start handcrafting baby things!

And if you don't want to see baby things in your home, then make something for someone else. Start something that will take you a while, like a blanket or a sweater. Believe me, it kills time!

It has taken me months to make these few items. I'm working on a blanket now.

How to Fake Patience - Tip #4

When you are waiting to adopt, you have a lot of time on your hands, and money tends to run a little short.

And when the clock is ticking and hours feels like years, you have to keep busy to keep your sanity! But how do you use wisely the extra time while still saving for your adoption?

Here goes How to Fake Patience – Tip #4:

Shop for second hand children items.
You are going to need everything from clothes to toys, maybe a crib, a stroller and a change table, when your child comes home. And these things are really expensive.
If you feel able to, go to community sales where moms sell their used items. Every now and then, go online and look for good bargains. Kijiji, Craigslist and eBay can all be good places to start. If you don't want to buy used items, you can still keep an eye on your favorite stores and look for sales on children clothes and furnitures. Register for draws and blog giveaways.

You don't have to look at the stuff every day, you can keep it stored for now. When you finally get your referral, you'll be happy you started early and don't have to rush all the shopping at the last minute.

I realize this tip is not for everybody. Before you start buying, you need to consider whether you trust the process will be successful and how you would manage your collection is it didn't work out.

Pablo and I have allowed ourselves to indulge in the fun of shopping for baby because we truly believe we will have children one day (whether from Sri Lanka or from somewhere else). And we feel like, if everything fails and we end up not having children, giving away our baby items will not be the main source of our heartbreak. The process of deciding to give up our project will be.

So, if it feel right for you, shop away! It's so sweet when you make a good find!

How to Fake Patience - Tip #3

Keeping busy is our only chance of survival during this excrutiatingly long wait for our children to come home. But how do we keep busy when there are no children running around the house? We're stuck in a circle...

If you've followed How to Fake Patience Tip #1, you already know quite a bit about your child's culture of origin. But here's something that will keep you busy for a long time!

How to Fake Patience - Tip #3:
Go deeper. Much, much deeper.
I'm talking find English versions of prized novels from that region, figure out what music everyone is listening to, right now, find videos showing traditional dancing on YouTube, watch classical movies from your child's country, read English language newpapers and get a feel for what everybody is talking about...
Sure, it only takes a few hours to read a book or watch a movie. But, unless you're adopting from Florida, you'll have to spend quite some time to figure out real, authentic cultural items from tourist traps. Actually, you may surprised at how much time it takes to find real references. You may have to go on forums, try to find a cultural group in your area and get in touch with them or research on the Internet.
Sri Lanka has a very rich culture, and English is used very widely. You would think it would be easy to find out about the latest trends or the timeless classics, but I've been working at this for several months, now.
A good but basic starting point is the Lonely Planet book for the country in question. Some of them have a section about what to read or watch before going. These may not be the most representative sample of what is being done in local underground circles, but it's a beginning.

And if you have taken up my suggestion of starting a monthly newsletter to your extended family, these can be a really good source of inspiration for the (numerous) newsletters you have left to send!
That's two tips in one, ladies and gentlemen! Don't thank me: I'm as desperate as you are ;-)

How to Fake Patience - Tip #2

Months are flying by, seasons are starting and ending, years just keep on piling up and you’re still standing in the exact same spot. Waiting.

It’s hard to stay graceful and stoic when you’re waiting for your child to come home!

That’s why I give you How to Fake Patience – Tip #2:

We all know that parenting is a demanding job. However badly you want this child to join your family, there will still be some sacrifice.

To help make the wait more bearable, try to think of a few things that you’ll have to give up when your adoption is complete. Then, plan for those things in a given time frame. For an example, you could try to do one thing per month that you know you won’t be able to enjoy as much once your kid is here. This won’t make up for not having your child with you, but it’s a bit like a consolation prize!

Having a hard time coming up with ideas? Maybe these can inspire you:

-          Have a romantic date with your sweetheart, without having to worry about what’s going on at home.

-          Stay up late on a weekend night. You could go to the late movie show and get up reeeaaallly late the next morning. And why not have coffee in bed, too?

-          Go on sports outings. If you like bicycling, go for a long, tough ride. Pick a hike that would be way too long for a toddler. Sign up for an ice-climbing class.

-          Walk around the house naked, have some fun with your partner in unconventional places, and be loud. The living room couch will forever be for watching TV once your kids are there...

-          Eat at a restaurant where kids are out of place. Eat osso bucco, spinach and risotto.

-          Plan a trip you won’t want to do with kids. Go winery hopping, take a super long road trip, backpack through Africa, go on a culture trip and visit museums until you drop.

-          Already have kids? Remember that some activities will get more expensive once your family is bigger! Why not go to the local amusement park?

-          If your kids are not going to be of the same gender, you could do something super girly with your daughter, or something boyish with your son.

-          Spend some quality one-on-one time with your kids. Take an extra half hour to rock them to sleep, play or do something crafty together.

Any more great ideas? Feel free to share in the comments!

And when you’re up cleaning stomach flu accidents at 3am on a Wednesday, you can think back to that sweet safari in South Africa you did while you were waiting!

How to Fake Patience - Tip #1

Nothing is moving on the Sri Lankan international adoption front. Nothing at all. Not a single referral since the program shut down in December 2011.
Sure, it has officially re-opened in May 2012. But private orphanages are still waiting for the new procedure to come out and, in the meantime, government run homes don't seem to be have a lot of children to match.

We knew adoption was a loooong and difficult road. We all know it before we start. We were told we would have to be patient.
What is patience? Is it not caring too much about the outcome? Or is it just shutting up and pretending you're dealing with the wait with grace?
They say if you can't make it, fake it.

Well, that's what I'm proposing here! If you're waiting for your child and feeling as impatient as I feel, keep reading! I'll share with you a few tips on how to fake patience and grace in this excruciatingly long and important wait!
If you follow my advice, you'll fool the whole world into believing you're a strong, patient and graceful expecting parent.

So here is How to Fake Patience - Tip #1:

Are you adopting across cultures?
Great! There's a whole world for you to discover!
Spend some time researching your kid's culture of origin. Start with borrowing a Travel Guide Book from your local library. They usually have very succint general information sections where you can get a quick run through on the people, the economy and the history of a country. Find a recipe or two on the Internet and try it at home. Research celebrations from this culture. Do you know how Chinese New Year is celebrated? What African American weddings are like? What Guatemalans do for New Years Eve?

If you find it hard to motivate yourself to do this kind of research, find a way to give it more meaning. I find my blog is great motivation for me. On top of making me feel closer to my baby, those bits of information about Sri Lanka are great material for my blog.
Why not start a monthly newsletter to send out to family and close friends?
That would be a great way to keep you support network involved. And if anyone is not quite warm to the idea of your adoption, that could be a good tool to get them used to it!

If you follow this first tip, you should be able to use up the time you spend worrying about your adoption (let's face it, it can become an obsession at times!) to do something positive. And to the outer world, you will appear excited, but also strong, patient and graceful!

Stay tuned for more Tips on How to Fake Patience!