As you know, our little escapade has brought back the old Gen. I had forgotten how it felt to not be unhappy. Since I came back, I have found a renewed interest in my job, I am again dreaming of life projects (not just that one life project), my passion for travelling has come back and I am again reading just for fun.
My life had become a bit crazy, over the last few years and I had gradually let go of everything that makes me who I am.
Actually, I have sacrificed so much to this journey (I'm not talking about money or time, here) that realizing that my real self had been out of my life for years made me question whether this is all worth it. Seriously, are we ok with continued unhappiness and emotional empoverishment? How long can this go on before we realize we will never get these years back?
I had to dig deep inside to figure out the right thing to do, and it took me several days. And I believe I know what I need to do. I do want kids. I would love to adopt, it makes so much sense. But there are other things I want for my life. And there will need to be some sacrifice. Things are not going to go as per my original plan, that I know for sure. So I need to decide what is more important.
I believe having children comes pretty high up on the list. The path that we have chosen for this has not proved very straight. And I need to stay focused on the end goal. Does my child have to come from Sri Lanka? Or even be adopted into our family? What price am I willing to pay?
One thing I have gained with this time off is detachment. And I realize it has been missing from this whole adventure. If I can keep this state of mind, I think I'm able to continue. But a Cinnamon baby may never happen for us. And though we are not giving up the process, we may need to open up a few more doors.
It can't be simple, but it doesn't have to be plain depressing.
International adoption has become so difficult now (not to mention time and money) and I personally didn't have it in me to keep going down that road. I admire how much strength and perseverance you have shown since you've been on this journey. My heart still feels drawn to adoption but I don't know if that will ever become a reality for me. You should email me sometime if you want to chat: gypsymamamia@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteThere is a new Facebook group for Canadians adopting internationally!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/249733911824938/?fref=ts
Would be great if you joined! Could be a great place to get connected and find encouragement for you.
Hi Gen:) I'm not sure if you remember me, but I posted messages back in December and January (I'm an Australian, adopted from Sri Lanka). I didn't realise it was a YEAR since I had been on to check your blog and I felt bad when I realised you'd replied to me, but I hadn't responded. I had no idea that it was so long, but I had your blog book marked and it might sound strange, but I was kind of worried to check as I was just hoping with my fingers and toes crossed that the process to meet your cinnamon baby was going smoothly and I sort of worried in case it wasn't.
ReplyDeleteI have to get that poem! My Mum gave it to me, but I've misplaced it. I'll as her again (the one about birth mothers I thought you might like to read).
I still do not know where 2012 went! Happy 2013. I hope this year will be a great year for you and Pablo (and your cinnamon baby) :).
:) Brooke
Hi Brooke!
DeleteOf course I remember you. Thanks for coming back to check on our progress :)
As you can see, it's not great... I'm starting to wonder if we'll ever have a Sri Lankan child, to be honest. I'm still hoping, but I don't know how realistic that is...
Please do share the poem, if you can find it again! I would love to read it, and I'm sure lots of other waiting parents would find it interesting too..
All the best to you for the new year,
Gen