Wednesday, July 18, 2012

On Hope

I find that Hope is a very tricky element of the adoption journey.
Anyone who has ever heard the word patience in regard to their family building effort knows that Hope can be a very dangerous thing. It’s a simple equation: the more hopeful you are, the more painful the fall. And anyone who talks about optimism and how it’s supposed to attract good luck has clearly never been there.
So there are good reasons for trying to keep your Hope levels under control, however difficult that sometimes is.
On the other hand, the balance has to flip sides at one point. How do you prepare for the child that’s coming when you keep thinking it won’t happen? How do you even start preparing the people around you, your family, your friends, even your work team? How do you plan financially for diapers and ballet classes if you’re sure you’ll never have to worry about these?
So managing our levels of Hope seems like a very delicate, yet critical task to me. It’s something I struggled with in a lot of different ways, those past few months. And it’s still a struggle.
I am willing to believe that we’ll be parents one day and that we can start preparing. But anything more concrete seems too dangerous.
Our agency gave us a range of 8 to 24 months to referral.
I think buying baby clothes is fine. But moving our bedroom to free up the baby’s room? Telling my boss that I may very well go on parental leave in a few months? I’m not quite ready. And please don’t tell me to let myself be hopeful, I’m the one who’s risking the fall.
I can’t help but notice that today, we’ve waited for 1 month, that this leaves 23 months to the longest waiting time our agency has seen and that, if those numbers are right, 4.2% of our pregnancy has passed. That’s not even 2 weeks of a biological pregnancy. For now, this is about as far as I’ll go in hoping that our timeline isn’t too far off…


  1. Hi Gen,

    I completely agree with you. We also worry about what is okay to do and what isn't. Our dossier hasn't been sent yet, but so far we've decided to hold off on buying anything just in case the worst happens. However, my work knows and all of my close friends and family. I think this is a really personal decision that is different for everyone.

    1. You're so right, Mia. It's different for everyone. It's funny how you and I seem to be allowing ourselves the exact opposite :)
      In fact, telling at work is one of the things that stress me the worst... I know I'll have to do it someday...

  2. Hi Gen,
    I agree with you too! It is hard to know what to do! For my program and country it is almost impossible to start buying clothes or toys etc. I have stopped buying books and am focusing more on trying to declutter the place and make some room. I bought a couple new pieces of IKEA furniture to try to help me get organized. It was also some retail therapy for my loss.
    Hang in there,
    P.S. I am so hoping it is twins for you. I think this increases your chances as I don't know how many couples would take on twins.

    1. Hi Elizabeth,
      Decluttering sounds like a good, non-commiting way to prepare. Whatever happens, our home can never be too clean :)
      I sure hope you're right about the twins! I think a lot of couples would love twins, as they save you the hassle of a second adoption!
      Time will tell ;)