A Better 2013!

I want to wish a wonderful 2013 to all.
In particular, I hope 2013 is sweet for all those who had a tough 2012. Those who saw another year go by with no hope, those who's year was marked by loss or sorrow, those who will be too happy to burry 2012...
May 2013 be a wonderful, lucky year!

And f%€<* 2012!

We're Off!

The Holiday season can be the most difficult time of the year when you're waiting to adopt.
In all honesty, I have come to dislike Mother's Day, my birthday, Halloween and New Year's Eve as well. But Christmas is so loaded with childhood memories, and so widely celebrated around here that it has become the time of year that I hate the most.
I believe it's not just the adoption community who feels this way. Christmas is difficult when you have recently lost someone close, when you live away from your family, when you are recently divorced or when illness has stricken your family this year.

I believe that, when life gets a bit rough, you have to do what's necessary to ease the pain. Even if it means not following traditions, or sometimes disappointing others.

So this year, Pablo and I are running away from Chistmas.
We're off to Greece for 3 weeks!
The first week will be just the two of us, on the continent. Then, we're meeting up with Pablo's parents and brother on Crete for 2 weeks.
Of course, we'll miss the rest of the family, and it's sad to give up the traditions that we love. But it's even more sad to follow your traditions when someone so crucial as your own kid is missing. Hopefully it's the last Christmas we have to run away from!

To all, a very happy holiday season! And may your dearest dreams come true...

A Summary

I know a lot of readers are keeping an eye on this blog in hope that good news will come up here. Unfortunately, I have nothing new for you.

I keep getting emails from hopeful families asking if I have heard anything new. So I thought I would summarize what I know about the situation for international waiting families on the Sri Lanka list. The information below is what I have gathered from our agent in Canada and from other families all over the world.

The program was officially closed from November 2011 to May 2012. When it reopened in May 2012, only government run homes were allowed to place children in foreign countries. Private charity homes could only place children within Sri Lanka. As far as I know, this is still true today.

In 2012, there was 1 placement from Sri Lanka to Canada. The referral had been accepted before the program closed in 2011, and the child was in a government run home. As far as I know, there have been no referrals in Canada since 2011.

I have heard of one European family who got a new referral in 2012. We know for sure that this family was at the top of the international waiting list when the program was closed. As far as I know, this was the only international referral in 2012.

I know of one family who was able to put in their application in November 2012 and made it on the waiting list. At least until November 2012, new applications were still accepted in Sri Lanka. There are, however, rumours that they could stop taking new applications to allow for the waiting list to shrink down a bit.

I know that some European agencies (including the one who placed a child in 2012) are warning their customers about increased waiting times. Some have suggested that their customers apply to a different country. I have heard rumours of 5 to 6 years wait. This is only a rumour, but it makes sense with only the government run homes placing children internationally and a full year without placements.

I’m sorry that I don’t have better news for you. I’ll keep you posted if anything else comes up.

In the meantime, let's all try to keep in mind that these difficult measures were put in place to protect the children – our future children. It’s sometimes difficult to take a step back and look at things in a broader way, but adoption is all about the kids’ best interest. It sure is a lesson in patience for us!

How to Fake Patience - Tip #4

When you are waiting to adopt, you have a lot of time on your hands, and money tends to run a little short.

And when the clock is ticking and hours feels like years, you have to keep busy to keep your sanity! But how do you use wisely the extra time while still saving for your adoption?

Here goes How to Fake Patience – Tip #4:

Shop for second hand children items.
You are going to need everything from clothes to toys, maybe a crib, a stroller and a change table, when your child comes home. And these things are really expensive.
If you feel able to, go to community sales where moms sell their used items. Every now and then, go online and look for good bargains. Kijiji, Craigslist and eBay can all be good places to start. If you don't want to buy used items, you can still keep an eye on your favorite stores and look for sales on children clothes and furnitures. Register for draws and blog giveaways.

You don't have to look at the stuff every day, you can keep it stored for now. When you finally get your referral, you'll be happy you started early and don't have to rush all the shopping at the last minute.

I realize this tip is not for everybody. Before you start buying, you need to consider whether you trust the process will be successful and how you would manage your collection is it didn't work out.

Pablo and I have allowed ourselves to indulge in the fun of shopping for baby because we truly believe we will have children one day (whether from Sri Lanka or from somewhere else). And we feel like, if everything fails and we end up not having children, giving away our baby items will not be the main source of our heartbreak. The process of deciding to give up our project will be.

So, if it feel right for you, shop away! It's so sweet when you make a good find!

Why Do We Want Children?

Have you ever stopped to think about the motivations behind your desire to have children?

At first, it might have been just to follow a tradition, because that's the way things go...
But why do we work so hard to have children when it proves difficult?

I have thought about this a lot, lately. What if this doesn't work? Could we be happy without children? Would we spend our life regretting what could have been? What would be missing in my life, if I didn't have kids?
I believe this last question is of supreme importance.

We probably all have different reasons to want children. Maybe you absolutely need the activity and excitement in your life. Maybe you're worried of the loneliness as years go by. Maybe you can't bear to disappoint a partner or deny grand-parenthood to your parents.

For me, it's the need to dedicate myself to something more important than me.
Sure, a life without kids would mean a lot more money, travels, freedom. But even the most exciting life seems a bit tasteless to me if it's all about myself.
With this in mind, I believe I could lead a happy life without children. It's the first time that I'm even able to bare this thought. I would have to find a greater cause to serve. Maybe I would dedicate myself to charity or something like that. I'm not ready to accept this yet, I would have to grieve the family I have imagined. But I think I could do it if it proved necessary.

Coming to this conclusion, very new to me, has made me feel a bit relieved. We are not done with the heartbreak. But I know at some point, whatever fate decides, I will be fulfilled again. This state of waiting is temporary. And that gives me some strength to keep going.

Washable Wipes

As you know, we have started gathering baby stuff. We have already decided we would like to use cloth diapers. We are doing our best to reduce our impact on the environment and will keep doing so once we are parents.
One thing we have heard can make a different is using washable cloth wipes for the diaper change. I figure we're going to do poopy laundry anyway, this is not much different!

So the last time we bought new sheets for our bed, I decided to keep the old ones and cut them in wipe-size squares (that's about 8X8 inch). I don't know if the material will be absorbant enough, but I figure we have nothing to lose by trying!

I thought I'd share the tip. If you want to try washable wipes, start collecting your old clothes that are no longer usable early during your wait. This way, you'll have plenty of wipes by the time your baby is there!

More About Attachment

If you have ever brushed the idea of maybe one day adopting, you have certainly heard about attachment theory. In fact, Reactive Attachment Disorder was one of the first things that were mentioned to me by one of my closest relatives when I announced our intention to adopt, before even Congratulations...

I don't pretend to be a pro in the field of attachment, but I've done some research since we have decided to adopt.
In a nutshell, attachment is the very important ability that a person has to create healthy, secure relationships with others. This ability is developed in the first few years of life, based on the repeated experience of a safe and trusting relationship with a primary caregiver.
Pretty simple, when a baby is born in a healthy family, to a set of parents who have desired and wished for this child. But life is sometimes messy, and there are a variety of situations that can hinder the development of this primordial ability.

Obviously, less than perfect attachment is a risk inherent to adoption. And the consequences of an insecure attachment can be very scary as a child grows.
Luckily, there are things adoptive parents can do to help their child heal and learn to trust. Attachment parenting is a technique that can be used for children in all situations, from the young baby picked up in an orphanage to the older child with obvious disrupting behaviours. Professional help can be obtained for the latter and, though I'm sure the process is not easy, therapies have shown tremendous results on affected children.

So here are a few things I have learned about attachment:

• The belief that children adopted under 18 months of age cannot suffer from attachment disorder is a myth. Age at placement does have an impact on the attachment patterns and the intensity of the damage, but even a child adopted at 3 months needs attachment parenting if these 3 months were spent in a traumatic situation.
• Attachment parenting is often counter-intuitive, and will most certainly be judged by well-meaning friends and relatives.
• One of the basis of attachment parenting is that the parents should be the only ones responding to their child's needs for the first little bit. As a general guideline, Becoming a Family recommends that you count at least one week per month that your child lived away from you before you can start involving the extended family in caring for your baby. This means that only you should feed, bathe, change, rock, hold or comfort baby during this time. It also means that we'll have the difficult task to tell Grandma that she cannot give a bottle to her grandbaby...
• During this time, baby should be in his parents arms almost 24 hours/day. Eye contact and skin to skin contact should be pursued as much as possible, and baby should spend her days in a carrier. It doesn't matter that we are tired, this is not about the parents!
• Some books recommend that only one primary caregiver be designated for the first little bit. The second parent can then be integrated later.
• Attachment parenting means that it's ok to co-sleep (safely), that a child should never be left crying  alone (even when he is being punished) and that baby's needs should be met immediately. Can you see how friends and family will judge you for "spoiling your baby"? That's what I meant, when I said it was counter-intuitive.
• After a few weeks, when we can differentiate her needs a bit better, we can probably transition to more traditionnal parenting. We'll have to play it by ear.

Of course, our baby may not even need this. But we won't know until she's much older and I don't want to risk hurting her more by not even trying.