More About Attachment

If you have ever brushed the idea of maybe one day adopting, you have certainly heard about attachment theory. In fact, Reactive Attachment Disorder was one of the first things that were mentioned to me by one of my closest relatives when I announced our intention to adopt, before even Congratulations...

I don't pretend to be a pro in the field of attachment, but I've done some research since we have decided to adopt.
In a nutshell, attachment is the very important ability that a person has to create healthy, secure relationships with others. This ability is developed in the first few years of life, based on the repeated experience of a safe and trusting relationship with a primary caregiver.
Pretty simple, when a baby is born in a healthy family, to a set of parents who have desired and wished for this child. But life is sometimes messy, and there are a variety of situations that can hinder the development of this primordial ability.

Obviously, less than perfect attachment is a risk inherent to adoption. And the consequences of an insecure attachment can be very scary as a child grows.
Luckily, there are things adoptive parents can do to help their child heal and learn to trust. Attachment parenting is a technique that can be used for children in all situations, from the young baby picked up in an orphanage to the older child with obvious disrupting behaviours. Professional help can be obtained for the latter and, though I'm sure the process is not easy, therapies have shown tremendous results on affected children.

So here are a few things I have learned about attachment:

• The belief that children adopted under 18 months of age cannot suffer from attachment disorder is a myth. Age at placement does have an impact on the attachment patterns and the intensity of the damage, but even a child adopted at 3 months needs attachment parenting if these 3 months were spent in a traumatic situation.
• Attachment parenting is often counter-intuitive, and will most certainly be judged by well-meaning friends and relatives.
• One of the basis of attachment parenting is that the parents should be the only ones responding to their child's needs for the first little bit. As a general guideline, Becoming a Family recommends that you count at least one week per month that your child lived away from you before you can start involving the extended family in caring for your baby. This means that only you should feed, bathe, change, rock, hold or comfort baby during this time. It also means that we'll have the difficult task to tell Grandma that she cannot give a bottle to her grandbaby...
• During this time, baby should be in his parents arms almost 24 hours/day. Eye contact and skin to skin contact should be pursued as much as possible, and baby should spend her days in a carrier. It doesn't matter that we are tired, this is not about the parents!
• Some books recommend that only one primary caregiver be designated for the first little bit. The second parent can then be integrated later.
• Attachment parenting means that it's ok to co-sleep (safely), that a child should never be left crying  alone (even when he is being punished) and that baby's needs should be met immediately. Can you see how friends and family will judge you for "spoiling your baby"? That's what I meant, when I said it was counter-intuitive.
• After a few weeks, when we can differentiate her needs a bit better, we can probably transition to more traditionnal parenting. We'll have to play it by ear.

Of course, our baby may not even need this. But we won't know until she's much older and I don't want to risk hurting her more by not even trying.

A Practical Book About Attachment

See this book on Amazon

Adoption parenting is, in a lot of ways, very similar to biological parenting. 

But there are a few very important differences. 

One major difference is that adopted children may have gone through traumatic events or abnormal attachment patterns. And this means that some parenting techniques need to be adapted to these children.

Lark Eshelman's Becoming a Family is somewhat of a guidebook to the healthy attachment we all want for our kids.

This is not the first book on the subject that I have read. But I really liked that this one presented a lot of realistic, concrete solutions. Some books talk about the risks of unhealthy attachment and paint the very scary picture of a severely hurt child, yet keep the constructive comments to some very general guidelines. Becoming a Family paints the same scary picture, but it also offers lots of advice to help avoid reactive attachment disorders. The book is grounding, yet generates hope.

For an example, you may have read that the Cry It Out strategy that can help a secure baby learn to get to sleep alone can be very damaging to an already fragile attachment. Becoming a Family says exactly the same. But it also offers a practical routine for a slow transition to get baby to sleep by himself. 

I personally learned a lot reading this book, and also feel more confident about parenting a child for attachment. 

Adoption Breastfeeding

Adoption means arriving a bit later than usual in the life of your kid. Most parents conceive, carry and give birth to their children.

For some adoptive families, there is a sense of loss around the portion of their children’s life they missed on. Adoptive mothers are not going to feel their baby kicking in their ribs in the middle of the night, they will never experience that magical moment when, exhausted and sweaty, they hear the very first cry of their tiny newborn.

But did you know that some adoptive mothers are able to nurse their babies?

Yep. You read me right. Women who were never pregnant, who did not give birth but rather travelled across country to meet their brand new baby can produce milk and breastfeed them.

It’s not for everyone. The process is demanding, you have to start much before your baby is even born, and most women need medication to get their milk supply up. The baby has to be either brand new at the time of adoption, or already breastfed by her birthmother. And there is no guarantee that it will work. Often, a supplementation system is needed, where formula is given at the same time.

Consideration also has to be given to the birthmother. Is it OK to ask her to breastfeed a baby she will have to grieve for in a few days, until you can take over?

On the other hand, if all conditions are favorable, it’s a great way to foster attachment between the mother and baby.

If you decide this is right for your family and feel like the hard work and dedication is worth the chance that it will work, have a look at this web page. It has lots of information on how to get started and what to expect.

As for ourselves, nursing is not even an option. Our baby will be too old when we meet her and very probably bottle-fed. Even then, adoptive breastfeeding doesn’t feel like the right option to me. I know that’s the best source of food for a baby, but the amount of work it represents and the relatively high chance of not succeeding wouldn’t make it that appealing. Also, it would feel a bit weird to me (though I fully realize that it may be the best option for other families).

On top of that, I like that Pablo will get the attachment benefits of feeding our baby as much as I will!

The Advantages of Cloth Diapering

Picture from http://aprilmackinnon.wordpress.com/

Pablo and I have decided to use cloth diapers on our Cinnamon Bun. It’s not to say we’ll never use a disposable, especially when we’re living in a hotel room in Sri Lanka, but we’d like to use cloth as much as we can.

We’ve already got 3 cloth diapers: 2 used that I bought at a sale back in May, and 1 brand new that little T. brought as a gift for her cousin.

There are 2 good arguments for cloth diapers:

1-      Money: Cloth diapers cost ~$300-$500 to start, plus the cost of washing (energy, soap and water). That’s probably less than $1000 in total. Disposable diapers cost ~$2000-$3000 over the time a baby uses diapers.

2-      Environment: This is not as cut-and-dry as you’d think… If cloth diapers are bought brand new, used only for one child before being discarded, and machine dried, the environmental cost of manufacturing, energy and water pollution may very well equate that of manufacturing plastic diapers. If your electricity company produces from a coal plant, machine drying diapers is an important air pollutant. But if you’re going to buy used diapers, reuse your cloth diapers for your second child (or a cousin or friend) and/or line dry your diapers, then you’ll be keeping a few tons of waste from the landfills!

I found this article on the Canadian Government website.

And while we’re at it, I think I’d like to get some reusable wipes and liners... We’ll just try to make it a habit to hang all that stuff to dry! Is there anything cuter than a line full of colourful diapers? And our dry Mountain climate will help anyway!

Tips From the Pros

According to our agency, the youngest our baby could be at the time of referral is 3 months. It will take 2 to 3 months before we have all the paperwork ready to travel to Sri Lanka. We have to spend 4 to 6 weeks there before bringing him or her home.
So the youngest our cinnamon baby will be when we meet him or her is 5 months. In this case, we would take  him or her home at 6 months.

My sweet niece is 5-1/2 months old right now. Her visit was a great learning opportunity for us!
Here's what I've learned, both from her and from her Mommy (their flight from down under was long too!):

- With the help of a cushioned head support, an umbrella stroller should do the trick over in Sri Lanka. (YAYYYY!!! No gigantic Cadillac for us!)
- We won't need a bassinet, baby bath or infant car seat. Our cinnamon bun will be old enough for a crib, the big tub and, probably, an older baby car seat.
- We'll take a baby carrier or a sling over there. It'll be great for walking around town and, according to E., it's really convenient on the plane. If baby gets bored, you can just walk down the aisle with the carrier.
- A diaper bag filled with more disposable diapers than you think you'll need, a blanket, toys and clothes is a must on the plane.
- E. told us to take full advantage of the early boarding for people travelling with small children. It gives you time to take out all the stuff you'll need for the long flight.
- If you're travelling alone with a baby, you should get help from the flight attendant. They can hold your child while you use the lavatory, for an example.
- The bassinet that's attached to the front section of larger planes is only good for younger infants. Even then, flight attendants will wake you up everytime the seatbelt light turns on to pick up your child, which will also wake her up... It may be more comfortable to sleep with her in Dad or Mom's arms.
- According to E., you should take extra clothes for your baby, but also a change of clothes for yourself. She learned this the hard way: it's when you don't bring the extra pair of pants for yourself that baby will have an violent, explosive diaper overflow while sitting on your lap.
- E. took all the stuff she needed for little T.'s sleeping routine. She nursed, read her usual story book and then sang her usual lullaby (yes, she sang out loud in a full airplane cabin) before putting her to sleep. It's not home, but little things like this feel familiar and reassuring, ever 37,000 feet above the ground.

And one last tip, this one from little T:
- If you want the seat next to you to be left empty, just go onto a major crisis, crying at the top of your lungs, the very moment your neighbor is settling into his seat. If you're lucky, he may ask to be relocated somewhere quieter ;-)

Awkward Questions

Have a read at this Mom's post. She has a large family, with some special needs kids and some trans-racially adopted kids too.

She came up with a list of the most awkward questions she's been asked.

Some are so ridiculous they're funny. others are plain hurtful.

But other than for a good laugh, I think it's worth reading because of how she chooses to answer some of these intrusive questions. I admire her zen attitude, and I think she has a point: being defensive about it doesn't give your kids the best perception about their adoption...

I'll have to try and rememer this...

What's in a Name?

Yesterday, I posted about first names.
We're enjoying the perks of expecting just like any other expecting parents would.

But there's an added dimension to naming your child, when you're adopting.
Our Cinnamon Baby will already have a name when we first meet him/her. It will very likely be a Sri Lankan name (we don't know of what ethnicity, yet).
Some families rename their child when they adopt them. Others don't. And there are a ton of arguments for doing either.

The birth or orphanage name may be difficult to pronouce in the child's adoptive country. What if it has a ridiculous or offensive meaning in his adoptive language? What if it sounds really weird  with the adoptive parents last name?
Deciding on the name can also help adoptive families claim their children.
And it can make the child feel more included in his family. If 4 generations of men in the family have worn the same name and it gets passed on to him, it may mean a lot to him when he starts questioning his identity.

But the birth name can also be a very strong identity symbol. Though it is sometimes chosen by the orphanage, it may also have been chosen by the birth mother. Or it may mean something important in the child's birth country or birth family. Maybe a boy is named after his birthfather, or a girl has her birth grand-mother's name.
Children who are adopted a bit older will usually recognize their name. Renaming these kids means yet another change for them to cope with. Still, how old is too old? Would renaming a 5 years old be ok? How about a 2 years old, or a 10 years old?

There are different options. Some people decide to rename their child, but pick a name from the birth culture. Others keep the birth name as a middle name, or select a middle name in the adoptive culture and keep the birth name as the first name. Some families look for names that are common to both languages.

It takes a bit of time and a lot of honest reflection to decide on what's best for your child and for your family.
And then, whatever you decide can all change when you get a referral or when you meet your child...

The Quest for a Name

Adopting, just like pregnancy, has some fun parts, and some not-so-fun parts.

I'm trying to untangle the facts about immigration right now. Not fun.
More on this soon (or not so soon, depending on how long it takes me to understand the process).

At the same time, Pablo and I are in the process of picking first names. Now that's fun!!
It's really not easy in our case, but the challenge is making it even more fun...
See, the problem is that half of our family is Spanish-speaking, while the other half is French-speaking. Because we want the name we pick to sound good in both languages, more than half of the names in baby name lists are a no-no for us!
While Etienne doesn't sound right in Spanish, Guillermo is unpronounceable in French.
Any name that has a J in it is a catastrophy, because the Spanish J isn't a sound in French, and vice versa.
So Jaime would sound Haime in French, but Julien would have this throaty sound in Spanish. (My own first name is a problem too, in fact...)
On top of that, names that are in fashion in South America may be fit for my grand-father's generation in Quebec, and Pablo sometimes laughs when I suggest a name which has been associated with a TV character in his culture.
And then, I grew up with 4 other Gen's in my class, and I hated this. I've always wished I had a more original first name. I mean, nothing too weird... just something I didn't share with half my generation...

We already have an idea of a girl's name, but boys names are a real puzzle.
So yesterday, after supper, we sat together and pulled a few lists from the Internet. Popular names in both languages, but also older and forgotten names. We went through the list, pronouncing the names in French and English. We both had to give up names we really liked because of the constraints we're dealing with. But we also had a few good laughs... Moshe is pretty funny in French...

In the end, we have 4 possible boys names. My first choice is Pablo's fourth, and I'm bothered a bit by the fact that two of those names are very popular right now in Quebec. But we're making way! And it's so much fun doing this together, I'm not sure I want us to settle on anything quite yet anyways :-)

From the Doorstep of a VIP Club

One unexpected effect of going to that kids items sale on Saturday was that I was for once allowed to behave like a future mom.
Each family had rented a table to display all the stuff they wanted gone, a bit like at a multi-family garage sale. While I was shopping for used clothes, I talked a bit with the parents (mostly ladies) who were selling.
Here's an example of a typical conversation:
Seller: Are you looking for boy or girl clothes?
Me: I don't know yet, we're expecting :-)
Seller: Oh! Congratulations!
Me (all smiles): Thank you!
If people asked more (because I don't exactly look pregnant), I would say we are adopting and get all sorts of curious (but never inappropriate) questions.

I know, this sounds terribly ordinary.

It' not.

Not if you have waited years to become a parent.
Not if all parents in the world seemed to be members of a huge private club in which you were persona non grata just a few months ago.
Not if you've ever seriously doubted you'd ever get to be in that position.

In all reality, we're not quite expecting yet. Our file is still in Canada. But we are so close, and I think I'll have the most beautiful pregnancy!

A Book to Better Understand your Child



View this book on Amazon

I just finished reading this book. I think as I feel more and more like an expectant mother, I am slowly getting ready to switch from reading books about adoption to reading less technical books about parenting adopted children, or adoption stories.
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew was written by an adult adoptee. Most books about adoption are written by adoptive parents, so it's nice to have the different perspective.
This said, this book scared me at first. It almost makes it sound like every adopted child is a problem child with difficult, unresolved (and almost unresolvable) emotional scars.
It may just be that everything seems scarier when you're facing the unknown.... In the end, the book is really about compassion.
It aims at making adoptive parents realize what type of emotional challenges their children may be facing. I never thought that birthdays could be sweet and sour for my kid, as it may remind him of the fact that he doesn't know his birth family. I also never realized that not knowing your medical background can be a big deal at certain times in your life. The book also points out that there is a good chance our children will think often about their other family, and may not talk about it at all in fear of hurting us.
Once I got past the fear that raising an adopted child would be way different from raising a birth child (which I don't think it is), I started seeing the value in knowing about all of this. The whole idea is that, if you're aware of these challenges, you can support your child just by showing her that you understand.
You can, for an example, start the conversation about the birth family. Maybe have a Birthmother's day, on the day before Mother's day (and a Birthfather's day as well). You can dedicate the morning of your child's birthday to some quiet, intimate time where the story of his adoption will be the center of attention. You can say things like: " It must be upsetting to not have the answers to this medical questionnaire".
None of this is very difficult to do. But you need to know and understand what your child is feeling before you can show compassion.
All in all, this is a valuable read for waiting parents. Just keep in mind that some of the cases depicted in the book are there to show what can go wrong if you don't try to understand your child. If you are sensitive to the issues described, chances are things will go smoothly for your family!

Stuff

Having a baby requires equipment. A whole lot of it!

If you have a 4-stories mansion with a backyard as big as a National Park, this is probably not a big deal for you. 

But we're going to have to decide what we really need and what we can fit in our house without having to throw away our own bed...

So I used my time at my sister's and brother-in-law's to evaluate what I thought was absolutely necessary and what was not.

So, here's what I think you really, absolutely, completely can't live without when you bring your baby home:

     - A crib.

     - Clothes. Lots of them!

     - Some mean of transporting the baby (often a stroller, at least a sling, pouch or back-pack carrier).

     - A car seat.

     - A high chair - you won't need this just yet if you're adopting a newborn, though.

     - Formula, a full set of bottles and teats and cleaning equipment, if you're going to bottlefeed.

     - Baby shampoo, baby skin cream, baby laundry soap

     - Diapers (either washable or disposable) with wipes. Hundreds of wipes. Wait... make that Thousands.

     - Linen for the crib, a little towel and facewash for the bath, blankets, bibs.

     - Basic baby accessories (nail cissors, nose pump, thermometer, etc)

Here is some more nice-to-have stuff:

     - A baby bath - much more comfortable for you than using the sink or the bath.

     - A changing table - again, more comfortable than kneeling on the floor and more convenient than a          countertop.

     - A rocker or bouncer so that baby can be with you without being in your arms.

     - Teething toys, rattles, stuffed toys.

     - Baby books - both cardboard books and plastic books for the bath.

     - A sterilizer for the bottles - quicker than boiling water in a pot.

     - If you choose to breastfeed, a breastfeeding cushion, breast pump and, if needed, a system to complement with formula.

     - A nice diaper bag that you can keep fully furnished and just grab when you're going out.

     - A portable changing mat, and maybe some disposable ones as well.

     - A lifebook - you can make your own, but they also sell adoption books that are a bit like traditional baby books with entries specific to adoption.

     - Pacifiers, if you decide you'd like one.

     - Baby monitors.

     - A freezer full of healthy food to help you keep up with the crazy pace!

And then there's the travel material, too...

I'd like to make an opportunity out of the excruciatingly long wait and try to slowly pick up our baby stuff either pre-loved or on sale. If you buy everything new and without investing too much time in shopping, the bill can go up really quickly!

Having baby stuff at home may be a little difficult, but I'm looking forward to seeing us more as expecting parents. I still haven't discussed it with Pablo though... We'll see what he says :-)

Washable or Disposable?

In the last few days, little T's parents have tried a mix of washable and disposable diapers (they call them nappies, here). She is still very small and the washable are more difficult to adjust.
What I'm taking away from this:
- They both hold. We were worried that the washable would have a tendency to leak, but we were wrong.
- The laundry can become quite a bit of work with washable diapers, but it's manageable - we're 3 adults for 1 baby :-)
- The poor little thing is sweating like crazy in the washable diapers! They're made of this thick, fluffy fabric. They are very warm. I don't know if I would use them in the hottest of summer days.

Of course, the washables are better for the environment, and a little cheaper in the long run.

I think I'd be willing to try the washable once we get our Cinnamon Baby. We can still use disposable from time to time, when we're out and about or when it's really hot out.

On Feeding

Already parents will find this pretty obvious, but I didn't know you had 2 option when feeding a baby: On Schedule feeding, and On Demand feeding.
Basically, on schedule feeding involves waking the baby up at a steady schedule to feed. It means less crying, and is easier on the parents sleep. It's also easier to plan you day around scheduled feeds. Of course, if the baby was to wake up before her time, you would have to adjust...
On demand feeding means you let the baby sleeps when it sleeps and feed it when it cries hungry cries. One advantage is that the baby can sleep uninterrupted and be on its own natural schedule.

Apparently, there is a raging debate over this (Really?!?).

Because of attachement, this issue can have a particular signification in an adoptive family. I think a baby who is anxious and worried that its needs won't be met may benefit from a feeding routine, because the parents wake their baby up with a ready bottle before he is hungry. This is good for attachement.
However, I have read that a child who spent a long time in an institutionnal setting may have learned that asking is useless in getting its needs met. These kids are passive and not very fussy, and they may not get all they need because they don't ask for it. In such cases, I guess it would be beneficial to teach the child to cry for milk and use an adaptation of the on demand method...
These are all just thoughts, of course. I am no pediatrician!
As adoptive families of non-newborn babies, we won't have much choice. When we pick up our Cinnamon Baby, he will already have a routine. I expect the caregivers will tell us what times and what quantities our child is used to. And that's fine, we'll adjust. But it's good to know other methods exist. I think you can gradually change your child's routine to fit your new family life better.

Practical Skills

I've already learned quite a few practical skills, since I got here!
I'm a lot more comfortable holding the little gal. I learned how to swaddle her so she won't scratch her little cheeks, and also how to give her a bath. I still need to get better at changing diapers and dressing her.
I don't yet know how to transpose these new skills to an older baby (ours will be between 3 and 12 months old when we get him/her). But the level of confidence I have gained will make a huge difference. I know I can figure it out, with a few trials and errors.

My Australian Parenting Class

I'm posting this from Australia!
I'm here for 2 weeks to spend some time with my brand new goddaughter.
My mission here is threefold:
1- Spend some quality time with little T. and her parents (whom I miss very much in my day-to-day life)
2- Give my sister and brother-in-law a hand with household chores, so they can dedicate themselves to their new role
3- Learn some tricks of the trade!

Parents by birth get all this training in the process of having a child: Lamaze classes, tips from the doctor during their pregnancy, free government documentation easily available at their doctor's, then coaching from the nurses when they're still at the hospital after the birth...
There's going to be a day where Pablo and I will be in a hotel in a country we know little about, far from all our family, with a child we don't yet know. We'll have to figure out what to feed him, what to expect in terms of development, sleep patterns, how to dress him, how to hold him, how to bathe him... In fact, I don't even know exactly what furniture and accessories are a must before we go, and what are just gadgets!
So while I cook and clean for the new parents, I'm also asking lots of questions, and getting lots of practice with their gorgeous little girl. I'll let you guys know what I learn...