Happy Mothers Day...

... to all the mothers at heart,
those who haven't yet met their children,
those who's children are angels,
those who take on the role of Mom without fitting into the mold,
those who are not parenting the children they gave birth to...

To all of us who have come to dislike Mothers Day because we feel left behind,
this is our day too.
We are mothers too.

How to Fake Patience - Tip #7

This tip is one that is really close to my heart. It is one that I find very helpful when my mood isn't great and I start feeling sorry for myself:

How to Fake Patience - Tip #7: Lend a Hand!

Last fall, I thought a lot about why it hurt so much to be childless. And I found that I needed my life to have a meaning. Something bigger than my own entertainment.
That's when I decided I needed to volunteer my time for a cause that I found important.

I would have liked to volunteer to support patients at the local hospital or to help out children in my community. But with work, my availability didn't fit with what those organizations needed. So I found a program with Alberta Health Services that supports families who have lost a baby to miscarriage or still birth. As part of the services this wonderful program offers to parents, they dress the babies before presenting them to the parents. Some are born so tiny that even preemie clothing does not fit. So they have volunteers who hand sew little bunting bags and hand knit little blankets and tiny hats. They also put together a memorabilia box with pictures and keepsakes.

I started knitting for them late last year. It's perfect because I can do it at my own pace! To be honest, I didn't knit everything in the picture. There is a small group of amazing women who knit at work, and I asked if they wanted to help this program. They were all so generous with their time and talent.

And when I feel sorry for myself because of the wait, doing something to support people who are in such a rough place makes me feel a little bit more connected to others who suffer.

So if the wait is hard on you, start looking around. I'm sure there are ways you could lend a hand. And you may find that you'll get more out of it than you expected!

Latest News: Nothing New!

I have received an email from our agent, citing directly the Commissioner of the Department of Probation and Child Care Services in Colombo.
She confirms that the program is fully open again. At the same time, she outlines that the waiting list is pretty swollen by now. She has asked our agency to not send any new applications.
This confirms the latest rumors...
It also confirms that we will wait for a really long time before a child is proposed to us!
I guess that's really good news for families who have been waiting for longer than us and are close to the top of the waiting list!

I consider this information to be of a sure source, I have seen the signature from Ms. Perera at the bottom of the email.

On another note, I miss this blog! I wish there was more hope for families waiting to adopt from Sri lanka.... I hope everyone is doing good, and coping as they can...

Losing Hope

I know, I've been neglecting this blog lately.
The latest news is very confusing. Our Canadian agency assures us that all orphanages will soon be able to refer children internationally. At the same time, the French Government web page states that no new applications are accepted and that healthy children are not available from Sri Lanka anymore.

The program has been still since December 2011, that's over a year.
Sure, we get updates that give us hope every now and then. But in reality, nothing is moving.

As I have hinted to before, we are pursuing other options, now. We are leaving our file in Sri Lanka and still hope to adopt from there one day, but we're not counting on it.
When we first started this process, we spoke with an mom from BC who had adopted from Sri Lanka. She advised us to not leave all our eggs in the same basket. She had put in a second application and succesfully adopted a first child from a different country before ever getting a referral from Sri Lanka.
Well, S., it took us over a year to understand and accept the value of your advice.

And since our focus has changed a bit, I find it harder to maintain this blog...

I will keep updating it, but I may not post as often for a while. I hope to eventually pick up the pace again, if our Sri Lanka adoption ever happens, or if the adoption of another child gives me valuable material.

How to Fake Patience - Tip #6

Adoption is stressful. It's scary, and painful. And it's a very personal life challenge.
We all cope in a different way.

Sometimes, we may tell ourselves how we want to react, but we can't always make it work.

If you are like me, you sometimes feel guilty for not being the stoic, graceful person you would like to be. If that's the case, well this tip is for you...

How to Fake Patience - Tip #6: Praise yourself!

Whenever you beat yourself up over your reactions and coping mechanisms, try to name at least one thing that makes you proud.

Feeling guilty about your jalousy over your girlfriend's third pregnancy since you started your journey? That's fine. But take a minute to pat yourself on the back for being able to maintain this friendship in such painful conditions!

Beating yourself up over that fight you had with your partner over delay in filling out a form for the adoption? So normal! But you certainly deserve some praise for making your relationship work through this horrendous stress!

If you need to, say these things out loud, or keep a list on the fridge. After all, you are amazing! A less amazing person would not have made it this far without breaking a few relationships, losing their job after a few public breakdowns or being accused of murdering their social worker*!


* Just to be clear, we love our social worker...

Adoption Is Scary

I'm linking this post to Adoption Magazine's Adoption Blog Hop... If you don't know this blog, make sure you have a look, they have a lot of high quality posts!

Adoption is scary.
I mean, sure, having a child is always a scary adventure.
But adoption is different. It's more complicated, doesn't provide you with a timeline and, in most cases, isn't something that your Mom can advise you on.
Where a pregnant woman worries about miscarriage, birth defects and labor, a waiting parent worries about failed adoptions, pre-natal malnutrition and a long, emotionally painful process.
But there is so much more fears in adoption... Family acceptance, racial issues, attachment problems, difficult discussions with a growing child, alcohol or drug exposure, openness and dealing with this other family, finances...

In all honesty, I have been terrified every step of the way, ever since we decided to jump onboard this roallercoaster.
But the one biggest fear I have is the only thing that I can't say for sure will turn out fine. Are we doing what's best for our children? Are our kids going to resent us for taking them to this country where they look different? Will they feel like we have stripped them of the culture they should have grown up in? How do we instill enough pride and self confidence in our children to make them feel good about their stories?
What do we know? We haven't been in this situation. How can we fully sympathise with the challenges, the pains our kids will endure?

So while we wait, I try to prepare. I learn about Sri Lanka, I read about adoption, I spend time with kids, I talk with other parents... But the fears are always there. They are part of the journey. And though I'm scared silly every step of the way, I'm not turning back!

What fears do you have, as you wait for adoption?

Some News From Sri Lanka

Well, this is what we have all been expecting for over a year!

We got an email from our agent and, from what I understand, the new rules are out for charity homes to place children internationally! This means that these homes could start referring children again soon. And it means a lot of hope for the families that still have a child in one of those orphanages, waiting for placement!

We do not know what the new rules are exactly and how they will affect number of referrals. As soon as I find out, I’ll post something on my blog.

I believe we should not get our hopes up too much. There is a good chance that children who are already matched will finally get placed with their families. But for waiting families, it’s hard to tell how much slower the process will be with the new procedures. And I don’t know how many new families have joined the list in the last year, so I’m still counting several years for Pablo and I...

Home Study Yearly Update

When we received our Home Study approval letter, dated Jan 5, 2012, it said on it that our approval was valid for one year. I know some provinces approve Home Studies for 2 years, but it seems like Alberta doesn’t. (And yes, it’s been that long since we got approved.)

In December, we contacted our agency in Calgary and asked how to go about getting approved for the new year. They sent us a one page form to fill out and send to the government. It was so easy! The form asks if there has been any change in your life since your Home Study in terms of Health, Employment, Family Situation and a few more like this. If anything has changed, you have to provide a short explanation. But if nothing has changed (like is our case – I guess there are some pros to this stagnation in our life), you just tick “no” to everything, sign it and put it in the mail. A few weeks later, we got a letter stating that we were approved for one more year under the same Home Study. We emailed a scanned copy of this letter to our Ontario agency and we’re off for another fun and exciting year of waiting!

Actually, when I called our Ontario agency to ask how they wanted to get this letter, they didn’t even seem too interested in it. I believe they expect this letter to be long expired before we get a referral.

I should specify that the letter said that, in a year, we will need to get a full Home Study update. I don’t quite know what this entails, but that’s how it works in Alberta: our Home Study is good for 2 years, but we have to get reapproved every year!

Anyway, now we’re all in order and ready for a miracle. 

Looking Back

As you know, our little escapade has brought back the old Gen. I had forgotten how it felt to not be unhappy. Since I came back, I have found a renewed interest in my job, I am again dreaming of life projects (not just that one life project), my passion for travelling has come back and I am again reading just for fun.
My life had become a bit crazy, over the last few years and I had gradually let go of everything that makes me who I am.
Actually, I have sacrificed so much to this journey (I'm not talking about money or time, here) that realizing that my real self had been out of my life for years made me question whether this is all worth it. Seriously, are we ok with continued unhappiness and emotional empoverishment? How long can this go on before we realize we will never get these years back?

I had to dig deep inside to figure out the right thing to do, and it took me several days. And I believe I know what I need to do. I do want kids. I would love to adopt, it makes so much sense. But there are other things I want for my life. And there will need to be some sacrifice. Things are not going to go as per my original plan, that I know for sure. So I need to decide what is more important.
I believe having children comes pretty high up on the list. The path that we have chosen for this has not proved very straight. And I need to stay focused on the end goal. Does my child have to come from Sri Lanka? Or even be adopted into our family? What price am I willing to pay?

One thing I have gained with this time off is detachment. And I realize it has been missing from this whole adventure. If I can keep this state of mind, I think I'm able to continue. But a Cinnamon baby may never happen for us. And though we are not giving up the process, we may need to open up a few more doors. 
It can't be simple, but it doesn't have to be plain depressing.

Liebster Award

Well, it's the first time I do something like this... Mia, over at Gypsy Mama's Misconceptions, has nominated me for a Liebster Award :) Thank you Mia, you're so sweet!

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another. If you receive the award, there are a few rules to follow.

Each blogger nominated must post 11 things about themselves.

Then answer the 11 questions the tagger has asked.

Blogger must then create 11 questions of their own to ask the bloggers they decide to nominate.

They must choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate and link them on their blog post.

Bloggers must be notified of their award.

No tag backs!

11 Things About Me:

1- I'm a Quebecoise living in Alberta, and I'm deeply in love with both my home city and my Rocky Mountains.

2- I'm an outdoors addict. Rarely do I get a rush like when going down a fast hill on my cross-country skis or stopping to catch a breath on the summit of a mountain.

3- There were only women in my home as I was growing up.

4- My husband and I dated for 10 years before getting married. Really, we got married for the adoption.

5- I have a challenging and stimulating job as an engineer...

6- ... but my secret dream job would have been as a travel guide author.

7- Whenever I travel to a country where I don't speak the language, I do the "Word of the Day": I learn one new word a day and make efforts to use it with locals.

8- I know the trick to a lasting relationship: marry your best friend!

9- I knit, and so does my Grandma. It skipped a generation in my family :)

10- I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro with a girlfriend a few years ago.

11- I worked as a museum guide in a Space Science museum when I was a teenager. I learned tons and loved this job.

11 Questions From Mia:

1- What was your favourite food as a child? My Grandmother's tourtiere, a sort of pie with hare, moose and other meats.

2- Where do you want to retire? Probably back in Quebec, close to my family.

3- Favourite cookie? You know those packed shortbread cookies with the red jelly sprinkled with sugar in the middle? Well I still like them as much as when I was a kid...

4- Introvert or Extravert? I think I'm extrovert... 

5- What chore do you absolutely hate doing? Vacuuming. I'd rather clean the toilet bowl for a month than vacuum my house.

6- What is your favourite time of day? Conversations on the pillow before falling asleep.

7- Would you rather take pictures or be in pictures? Take pictures, if the subject is interesting.

8- Is toilet paper hung over or under? Over, of course!

9- Who has the sexiest accents? People from Southern France. In English, I'm a sucker for a light British accent. Wait... Was I supposed to say Latinos???

10- Favourite Disney Princess. Hum... I guess Belle is the one I liked the most when I was a kid. If I can cheat a bit, I'll says Shrek's Fiona (though it's not a Disney character). I like that she is unconventional...

11- What was your first job? Burger King. That was before the museum. 

11 Questions From Me:

1- What is your favorite movie?

2- What kind of student were you in elementary school?

3- Your biggest success?

4- What is your oldest memory?

5- Who was your hero when you were growing up?

6- Describe a place you love close to your home.

7- What's your go-to meal to entertain friends?

8- One song on your playlist right now?

9- Name one quality you hope one of your parents has passed on to you.

10- Are you more into Science or Arts?

11- How much time do you spend blogging and reading blogs each day?

Bloggers I Nominate:

I only have a few blogs that I follow that have less than 200 followers:

• La Belle Vie
• My Road to Motherhood
• Adoption in Adolescent Eyes

How to Fake Patience - Tip #5

Don't know what to do with yourself as you wait for your child?
This is How to Fake Patience - Tip #5:
Take up crochet! Or knitting, or sewing, or woodworking. You get the idea...

Get yourself a book, a class or an online video explanation and start handcrafting baby things!

And if you don't want to see baby things in your home, then make something for someone else. Start something that will take you a while, like a blanket or a sweater. Believe me, it kills time!

It has taken me months to make these few items. I'm working on a blanket now.

Back Home, And Back To My Old Self!

I'm just back from Greece.
Travelling was not the wisest financial decision, given that we still need to save for our adoption. But it was total salvation for my mental health and I regret absolutely nothing!

A full 3 weeks without paperwork, focusing on anything but the dread and sorrow in our lives (namely, antique ruins, baklavas and sunsets over olive groves), seems to have restored some of my sanity. I haven't felt that serene in months, maybe years (I've also put on 5 lbs, but every single baklava was worth it). Actually, I recognize good old Gen, the one with an optimistic outlook on life and a taste for adventure. I hadn't seen her in a long time!
There is no question, if we're still childless by then, we're running away from Christmas 2013 as well!

I hope everyone had the best holiday season possible!

A Better 2013!

I want to wish a wonderful 2013 to all.
In particular, I hope 2013 is sweet for all those who had a tough 2012. Those who saw another year go by with no hope, those who's year was marked by loss or sorrow, those who will be too happy to burry 2012...
May 2013 be a wonderful, lucky year!

And f%€<* 2012!

We're Off!

The Holiday season can be the most difficult time of the year when you're waiting to adopt.
In all honesty, I have come to dislike Mother's Day, my birthday, Halloween and New Year's Eve as well. But Christmas is so loaded with childhood memories, and so widely celebrated around here that it has become the time of year that I hate the most.
I believe it's not just the adoption community who feels this way. Christmas is difficult when you have recently lost someone close, when you live away from your family, when you are recently divorced or when illness has stricken your family this year.

I believe that, when life gets a bit rough, you have to do what's necessary to ease the pain. Even if it means not following traditions, or sometimes disappointing others.

So this year, Pablo and I are running away from Chistmas.
We're off to Greece for 3 weeks!
The first week will be just the two of us, on the continent. Then, we're meeting up with Pablo's parents and brother on Crete for 2 weeks.
Of course, we'll miss the rest of the family, and it's sad to give up the traditions that we love. But it's even more sad to follow your traditions when someone so crucial as your own kid is missing. Hopefully it's the last Christmas we have to run away from!

To all, a very happy holiday season! And may your dearest dreams come true...

A Summary

I know a lot of readers are keeping an eye on this blog in hope that good news will come up here. Unfortunately, I have nothing new for you.

I keep getting emails from hopeful families asking if I have heard anything new. So I thought I would summarize what I know about the situation for international waiting families on the Sri Lanka list. The information below is what I have gathered from our agent in Canada and from other families all over the world.

The program was officially closed from November 2011 to May 2012. When it reopened in May 2012, only government run homes were allowed to place children in foreign countries. Private charity homes could only place children within Sri Lanka. As far as I know, this is still true today.

In 2012, there was 1 placement from Sri Lanka to Canada. The referral had been accepted before the program closed in 2011, and the child was in a government run home. As far as I know, there have been no referrals in Canada since 2011.

I have heard of one European family who got a new referral in 2012. We know for sure that this family was at the top of the international waiting list when the program was closed. As far as I know, this was the only international referral in 2012.

I know of one family who was able to put in their application in November 2012 and made it on the waiting list. At least until November 2012, new applications were still accepted in Sri Lanka. There are, however, rumours that they could stop taking new applications to allow for the waiting list to shrink down a bit.

I know that some European agencies (including the one who placed a child in 2012) are warning their customers about increased waiting times. Some have suggested that their customers apply to a different country. I have heard rumours of 5 to 6 years wait. This is only a rumour, but it makes sense with only the government run homes placing children internationally and a full year without placements.

I’m sorry that I don’t have better news for you. I’ll keep you posted if anything else comes up.

In the meantime, let's all try to keep in mind that these difficult measures were put in place to protect the children – our future children. It’s sometimes difficult to take a step back and look at things in a broader way, but adoption is all about the kids’ best interest. It sure is a lesson in patience for us!

How to Fake Patience - Tip #4

When you are waiting to adopt, you have a lot of time on your hands, and money tends to run a little short.

And when the clock is ticking and hours feels like years, you have to keep busy to keep your sanity! But how do you use wisely the extra time while still saving for your adoption?

Here goes How to Fake Patience – Tip #4:

Shop for second hand children items.
You are going to need everything from clothes to toys, maybe a crib, a stroller and a change table, when your child comes home. And these things are really expensive.
If you feel able to, go to community sales where moms sell their used items. Every now and then, go online and look for good bargains. Kijiji, Craigslist and eBay can all be good places to start. If you don't want to buy used items, you can still keep an eye on your favorite stores and look for sales on children clothes and furnitures. Register for draws and blog giveaways.

You don't have to look at the stuff every day, you can keep it stored for now. When you finally get your referral, you'll be happy you started early and don't have to rush all the shopping at the last minute.

I realize this tip is not for everybody. Before you start buying, you need to consider whether you trust the process will be successful and how you would manage your collection is it didn't work out.

Pablo and I have allowed ourselves to indulge in the fun of shopping for baby because we truly believe we will have children one day (whether from Sri Lanka or from somewhere else). And we feel like, if everything fails and we end up not having children, giving away our baby items will not be the main source of our heartbreak. The process of deciding to give up our project will be.

So, if it feel right for you, shop away! It's so sweet when you make a good find!

Why Do We Want Children?

Have you ever stopped to think about the motivations behind your desire to have children?

At first, it might have been just to follow a tradition, because that's the way things go...
But why do we work so hard to have children when it proves difficult?

I have thought about this a lot, lately. What if this doesn't work? Could we be happy without children? Would we spend our life regretting what could have been? What would be missing in my life, if I didn't have kids?
I believe this last question is of supreme importance.

We probably all have different reasons to want children. Maybe you absolutely need the activity and excitement in your life. Maybe you're worried of the loneliness as years go by. Maybe you can't bear to disappoint a partner or deny grand-parenthood to your parents.

For me, it's the need to dedicate myself to something more important than me.
Sure, a life without kids would mean a lot more money, travels, freedom. But even the most exciting life seems a bit tasteless to me if it's all about myself.
With this in mind, I believe I could lead a happy life without children. It's the first time that I'm even able to bare this thought. I would have to find a greater cause to serve. Maybe I would dedicate myself to charity or something like that. I'm not ready to accept this yet, I would have to grieve the family I have imagined. But I think I could do it if it proved necessary.

Coming to this conclusion, very new to me, has made me feel a bit relieved. We are not done with the heartbreak. But I know at some point, whatever fate decides, I will be fulfilled again. This state of waiting is temporary. And that gives me some strength to keep going.

Washable Wipes

As you know, we have started gathering baby stuff. We have already decided we would like to use cloth diapers. We are doing our best to reduce our impact on the environment and will keep doing so once we are parents.
One thing we have heard can make a different is using washable cloth wipes for the diaper change. I figure we're going to do poopy laundry anyway, this is not much different!

So the last time we bought new sheets for our bed, I decided to keep the old ones and cut them in wipe-size squares (that's about 8X8 inch). I don't know if the material will be absorbant enough, but I figure we have nothing to lose by trying!

I thought I'd share the tip. If you want to try washable wipes, start collecting your old clothes that are no longer usable early during your wait. This way, you'll have plenty of wipes by the time your baby is there!

More About Attachment

If you have ever brushed the idea of maybe one day adopting, you have certainly heard about attachment theory. In fact, Reactive Attachment Disorder was one of the first things that were mentioned to me by one of my closest relatives when I announced our intention to adopt, before even Congratulations...

I don't pretend to be a pro in the field of attachment, but I've done some research since we have decided to adopt.
In a nutshell, attachment is the very important ability that a person has to create healthy, secure relationships with others. This ability is developed in the first few years of life, based on the repeated experience of a safe and trusting relationship with a primary caregiver.
Pretty simple, when a baby is born in a healthy family, to a set of parents who have desired and wished for this child. But life is sometimes messy, and there are a variety of situations that can hinder the development of this primordial ability.

Obviously, less than perfect attachment is a risk inherent to adoption. And the consequences of an insecure attachment can be very scary as a child grows.
Luckily, there are things adoptive parents can do to help their child heal and learn to trust. Attachment parenting is a technique that can be used for children in all situations, from the young baby picked up in an orphanage to the older child with obvious disrupting behaviours. Professional help can be obtained for the latter and, though I'm sure the process is not easy, therapies have shown tremendous results on affected children.

So here are a few things I have learned about attachment:

• The belief that children adopted under 18 months of age cannot suffer from attachment disorder is a myth. Age at placement does have an impact on the attachment patterns and the intensity of the damage, but even a child adopted at 3 months needs attachment parenting if these 3 months were spent in a traumatic situation.
• Attachment parenting is often counter-intuitive, and will most certainly be judged by well-meaning friends and relatives.
• One of the basis of attachment parenting is that the parents should be the only ones responding to their child's needs for the first little bit. As a general guideline, Becoming a Family recommends that you count at least one week per month that your child lived away from you before you can start involving the extended family in caring for your baby. This means that only you should feed, bathe, change, rock, hold or comfort baby during this time. It also means that we'll have the difficult task to tell Grandma that she cannot give a bottle to her grandbaby...
• During this time, baby should be in his parents arms almost 24 hours/day. Eye contact and skin to skin contact should be pursued as much as possible, and baby should spend her days in a carrier. It doesn't matter that we are tired, this is not about the parents!
• Some books recommend that only one primary caregiver be designated for the first little bit. The second parent can then be integrated later.
• Attachment parenting means that it's ok to co-sleep (safely), that a child should never be left crying  alone (even when he is being punished) and that baby's needs should be met immediately. Can you see how friends and family will judge you for "spoiling your baby"? That's what I meant, when I said it was counter-intuitive.
• After a few weeks, when we can differentiate her needs a bit better, we can probably transition to more traditionnal parenting. We'll have to play it by ear.

Of course, our baby may not even need this. But we won't know until she's much older and I don't want to risk hurting her more by not even trying.

It Could be Worse!

Gina, over at One in Five Million, has written this post which came at a perfect time for me. I needed to be reminded that things are really not that bad...
So I've tried to give this some thoughts and put things in perspective.

Sure, this family building journey is taking far more time than I ever imagined I could survive like this. But did you know that, in some cultures, men who are not able to conceive with their first wife are allowed (sometimes encouraged) to take a second wife? I am so grateful that Pablo is sharing this journey with me!

Sure, I feel somewhat left behind while all my friends and relatives are building their families. But some women survive multiple miscarriages, failed adoption, even still birth. I can only imagine the pain of welcoming another baby in your circle when yours is missing...

Sure, my life plans are being pushed around. I really did not imagine myself still in this exact same place, a few years ago. Some of my life projects may end up falling off the shelf as the years go by. But the status quo could be much worse. I have a home I love, in the sweetest small town in the whole world; I have a good, challenging job; and I'm married to my best friend.

Sure, the program closure and very slow reopening feels a bit like salt in an open wound. But we are so lucky that we have access to programs like this. Single parents, gay couples, people with certain medical conditions or a more complicated past have a much harder time finding a country they can adopt from.

Lately, the hopelessness has blurred my vision a bit. I need to remember these things and snap out of my pity party!